


FMK

by hajiiwa



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fuck Marry Kill, M/M, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Slice of Life, everyone save the seijoh 3rd years are only mentioned, in their game of, it is kind of a crackfic honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 14:17:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7577326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hajiiwa/pseuds/hajiiwa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Seijoh third year boys decide to entertain themselves with a classic game of fuck, marry, kill.</p>
            </blockquote>





	FMK

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Frenchibi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frenchibi/gifts).



> I actually wrote this quite a while ago-- if you'd been on my Tumblr a few months back you'd know-- so I decided to post it here after going through it with a fine-tooth comb. This is easily one of the most entertaining things to write, and I hope you enjoy reading it!
> 
> To French: I don't know whether or not you've already read this, but I figured you'd enjoy it (it's a break from the angst!) so I thought I might as well gift it to you ❤

“I am not playing this ridiculous game.”

“Oh come onnnn, Iwa-chan, it’s tradition!”

Heaving a martyred sigh Iwaizumi glanced over from where his gaze had been locked on the wall, his eyes drifting over Matsuhana and Hanamaki. “Is it..?”

“Of course,” Hanamaki answered briskly. He currently had an arm slung around Matsukawa’s shoulders, his expression somehow managing to be simultaneously bored and provoking. The two third years (apart from Oikawa and Iwaizumi, that is), were sitting down and leaning against the wall, long legs extended and entangled. Meanwhile, Oikawa and Iwaizumi were sitting on the bed, Oikawa’s head resting in Iwaizumi’s lap. It was as affectionate as the latter would allow, especially seeing as the other members of their party were shameless and would start making out whenever they felt like it-- he wished to keep the PDA to a minimum. “What’re you gonna do, chicken out?”

“I doubt that ‘fuck, marry, kill’ is an average pastime for a Saturday night,” Iwaizumi said slowly, and Matsukawa shook his head.

“That’s sad, Iwaizumi. We both thought that Oikawa was the inexperienced nerd here, but apparently not.”

The Oikawa in question sat bolt-upright, nearly knocking his head against Iwaizumi’s chin on the way up. “Hey! I am not a nerd, Mattsun!”

“That’s debatable,” Hanamaki said with a shrug.

Still bristling indignantly Oikawa turned to Iwaizumi, his expression keen and expectant. “Well, Iwa-chan? Are you in?”

“I literally _just_ answered that,” Iwaizumi muttered, playfully shoving Oikawa’s shoulder. “No.”

“You’re playing, or else I tell Oikawa about that thing,” Matsukawa spoke up suddenly.

“What thing?” both Iwaizumi and Oikawa asked in unison.

Matsukawa smirked over at Iwaizumi, completely disregarding Oikawa.. “You know-- that thing that you couldn’t tell Oikawa, but needed to tell someone, so you came to me to get it off your chest?"

Realization dawned on Iwaizumi’s face and Oikawa’s eyes swiveled back and forth like he was watching a particularly riveting game of tennis. “What was it, Iwa-chan?! What couldn’t you tell me?”

" _Say nothing, you utter piece of shit,_ ” Iwaizumi hissed, also ignoring Oikawa. Matsukawa raised his eyebrows and Iwaizumi sighed.

“Fine; I’ll play.”

“Yaaay~,” Matsukawa and Hanamaki cheered halfheartedly, but for once Oikawa didn’t join in.

“What waaaas it, Iwa-chan?” He asked, chocolatey-brown eyes wide. Iwaizumi spared him a glance but quickly looked away, shaking his head.

“Nothing you have to worry about.”

“ _Definitely_ not,” Matsukawa snickered, and Iwaizumi flipped him off without hesitation. 

“Are we gonna start?” Hanamaki asked, blinking in disapproval at the other third years.

Oikawa’s hand shot up-- of course, he volunteered himself. “Iwa-chan,” he prompted, turning to his boyfriend, “fuck, marry, kill: me, Kindaichi, and Kunimi.”

Iwaizumi gave him a deadpan stare as Matsukawa and Hanamaki cackled. “Seriously? Bringing our underclassmen into this? For _shame._ ”

“I know,” Oikawa said smugly. “There’s only one person for the ‘fuck’ option that wouldn’t leave you feeling like a gross perv-- isn’t that right, Iwa-chan?”

“Only because our kouhais are innocent,” Iwaizumi muttered darkly, “and that one option will be redacted for real-life redemption for you from this moment on.”

Oikawa’s jaw dropped and his cheeks flushed, making Hanamaki and Matsukawa laugh even harder and Iwaizumi smirk triumphantly. “I-Iwa-chan, too harsh!”

“Nah,” Iwaizumi said. “Hanamaki, give me a different one.”

“Wow, that’s an awful amount of honor to be bestowed on someone such as _me_ ,” Hanamaki said dryly, and after a moment of consideration, offered up, fuck, marry, kill: Nekoma’s captain, Karasuno’s captain, and Fukurodani’s captain.”

Matsukawa nodded approvingly. “There’s a challenge,” he mused, and Oikawa pouted.

“Whatever happened to Aoba Jousai’s captain?”

“He suffered third-degree burns and died,” Hanamaki stated matter-of-factly. Matsukawa snickered and even Iwaizumi cracked a smile, making Oikawa huff and fall back against the mattress.

“I walked right into that one, didn’t I?” He asked miserably. Hanamaki and Matsukawa both nodded as Iwaizumi pondered, his chin propped up on his hand.

“Damn, this is difficult,” he muttered. “I think… Wait, do you guys know their names?”

Matsukawa and Hanamaki shared sidelong glances. “We know them as ‘bedhead’, ‘thigh guy’, and ‘loudmouth’, respectively.”

Iwaizumi shook his head. “You guys are morons. Anyway-- fuck, um, bedhead, marry loudmouth, and kill thigh guy.”

Oikawa tilted his head. “You’d kill thigh guy?”

“He beat our team,” Iwaizumi said with a shrug. “I can’t just forget that and marry him, or something.”

“But you’d marry loudmouth?” Matsukawa inquired, wrinkling his nose a little. “You’d put up with his bullshit all day?”

Iwaizumi flushed. “He might not be as bad as he seems,” he defended.

“Are we all in agreement about fucking bedhead, though?” Hanamaki cut in. All four of them murmured their agreements, even Oikawa.

“He should reoccur, then, to serve as a curveball,” Matsukawa decided. “C’mon, Hajime, it’s your turn.”

“Alright,” the ravenette agreed with a slight sigh. “Matsukawa-- fuck, marry, kill: chibi-chan, Trashykawa--”

“--rude!--”

“-- and bedhead.”

Matsukawa’s eyebrows raised slightly, his sleepy expression lifting. “Hmm.”

“‘Hmm’?!” Oikawa mocked indignantly. “I daresay the choice is quite clear, Mattsun!”

“Fortunately, I asked him, not you,” Iwaizumi pointed out, kissing Oikawa’s cheek in an attempt to shut him up.

(The attempt was a success.)

“That’s actually rather difficult,” Matsukawa said slowly. “I’m worried about offending everyone present.”

“Why’s that?” Oikawa piped up.

Matsukawa rolled his eyes, as if the answer were obvious. “Iwaizumi can be scary as hell, you hold my physical well being in your hands like a fragile little bird, and Makki’s the only one I _actually_ want to be fucking.”

“Damn right,” Hanamaki said lazily, and the two shared a high-five.

“Still, c’mon!” Oikawa whined, blinking rapidly. Matsukawa sighed a little.

“Fuck bedhead, marry Shittykawa, kill chibi-chan.”

Both Hanamaki and Oikawa squawked in surprise, and Iwaizumi just snickered and shook his head. “Unsurprising.”

“You’d _marry_ me?” Oikawa squeaked, in the same moment that Hanamaki muttered “you’d marry _him_?”

Matsukawa clearly did not want to deal with their protests. “My turn,” he said, and glanced over at Hanamaki to make sure that his boyfriend wasn’t _actually_ upset (which he wasn’t).

“Do me,” Oikawa chirped, and then flushed darkly. “I mean, uh--”

“Don’t do him, Matsukawa,” Iwaizumi and Hanamaki said in perfect unison, causing all four teenagers to break out in laughter.

Oikawa was the first to break off, though. “I can’t believe I said that,” he wailed, burying his face in his hands. Hanamaki and Matsukawa merely laughed harder as Iwaizumi leaned over, murmuring something in the brunet’s ear that made him squeak and blush darker.

Iwaizumi was about to add something else when his watch beeped, causing him to glance down at it. “We’ll be late for our dinner reservation,” he said, rising. The other three followed suit, albeit reluctantly.

***

After dessert, while still in the restaurant, Oikawa leaned over to Matsukawa and whispered “Makki, what was Iwa-chan not telling me?”

“He had a certain dream involving you in a maid’s uniform.”  
  
Needless to say, they were kicked out of the restaurant.

**Author's Note:**

> hajiiwa.tumblr.com


End file.
